


his birth name and what's associated with it

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26915035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus hates having to write his name down on things, because it reminds him of things he'd rather not spend the rest of his school time thinking about.(brought to you by me having to fill out a google form and ✨hating✨ it)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	his birth name and what's associated with it

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCED NON CON, BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, THOSE TYPES OF THINGS. NON CON AND UNDERAGE SEXUAL CONTENT. IT COULD BE CONSIDERED RAPE. 
> 
> (And what do you know? I'm back on my vent/projection character! Sorry Janus!)

He always hated when he had to put his name on things. 

It wasn't even his real name. 

And now that online school started, he needs to put his name on almost everything. A Kahoot? His birth name. A quiz? His birth name. Google Form? Birth name. An assignment? Birth name. 

Janus was sick of it. 

And he doesn't even like his last name either, though that's a different reason. His last name reminds him of who he has as biological family members. 

Of those awful fucking people. 

They gave birth to him, and if they're all terrible people with little to no morals or ethics, then he must be too, right? 

He hated seeing his birth name on stuff. He just wanted to put his real name, to be seen as what and who he really is. 

But he's closeted. And his entire family is massively homophobic and transphobic. 

What the fucking luck he has, because he's a gay, trans guy. 

Aside from his family being homophobic and terrible in that matter, they're just.. bad people all around. Now, Janus knows he isn't one to call someone evil, because maybe from his point of view they are, but their own? 

Because the world isn't black and white. 

Maybe his perspective is the wrong one, maybe if he could just see things like his family did, but he can't. No matter how often or how hard he's tried, and he definitely has tried.

When he has to put his birth name in things, he's reminded of some of the reasons why he attempted suicide four times.

Why he attempted suicide twice this year.

Why he attempted suicide one week and six days ago. 

Of course, not being cis wasn't the only reason he kept (and will keep) trying to end his life. 

When attempting, he was thinking about the reasons why he's doing this. And he remembered and focused on things he really, really wished he didn't. 

He remembered.. that time with those people, those guys, and those two girls. 

~~-He remembered how they took something from him when he was ten years old and couldn't say no, and he remembered saying no, asking them to stop, each time, with each of them, and them telling him to "shut up and take it like the whore you are".~~

~~He was ten.~~

~~One of the guys were 21.~~

~~One of them was 19.~~

~~Another one was 14.~~

~~Another one was 17.~~

~~One of the girls were 17.~~

~~The other girl was 16.~~

~~And he was 10.. it doesn't matter, it's his fucking fault anyway, if he had stopped coming back to those sites, if he had stop letting himself be manipulated, if he had just opened his eyes and realized, if he had just block their chats, if he had just deleted the app, if he had just left.~~

~~But he didn't.~~

~~He didn't and he lost his virginity at ten year old. He was forced to take someone. At ten years old. It haunts him. He tries, of god he tries, not to think of him, of them, but that just ends up making him think of them more and he ends on curled up in the fetal position on his bed, probably having a panic attack or is going to have one.-~~

Writing/ saying that.. it took a lot out of him. He's never told anybody. He doesn't like remembering it. He wouldn't call it rape, because that's NOT what that was. It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't-

But then why does that feel like a lie? .. it's not. Whatever happened to him.. wasn't rape. And to think he even thought that for a second was fucking unhinged. 

But he's not here to talk about that. He hated seeing his birth name, because it reminds him why he attempted, and it takes him through every single reason, and he just has to sit there, take it ("please, please stop! Please stop please stop-" he pleaded, but the man (who was 17 years old) didn't stop, or even slow the thrusts. "please, please it- it hurts-" the man didn't listen. Why wasn't he stopping? They talked about safe words.. and he didn't stop.) -and relive all the memories of each different event. 

And he was just expected to not kill himself? 

That's complete fucking bullshit. 

God, Janus hated putting his name on things.


End file.
